Category: Nerd

Movies and Days in Review

Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a marvelous thing. Guns, action, sexiness and subtext. What the movie never quite says (and what perhaps it may not even know) is that the film is an exaggerated metaphor for all marriages. Being married means surrendering yourself to one person and trusting them not to kill you in your sleep. When Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are staring down the barrels of each others’ guns, they have to give in, they have to make a leap of faith and surrender to one another. It’s a cute conceit, tied up in shattered glass and head trauma wrapping paper.

Batman Begins is another winner. Cillian Murphy as Jonathan Crane seriously wigged me out, and Liam Neeson takes his Star Wars mentor bit into a darker place. Michael Caine rocks the house, although his Cockney accent seems out of place for a butler. Christian Bale is a better playboy than Michael Keaton and a better Dark Knight than George Clooney. And Katie (I’m the non-British one) Holmes…well, our little girl is growing up. May God save her from being eaten alive by the increasingly batty but still totally not gay Tom Cruise. As a bat-nerd since 1990, I have to say this movie surpasses the original Tim Burton version.

Land of the Dead marks the first time I’ve seen a real B-movie in a theater. It’s truly a fun crappy film.

In other news, Matt leaves for Salt Lake City tomorrow. There needs to be a word for “sad for me but happy for you.” Reverse schadenfreude?

Oh and I interviewed the Boondogs for Localist on Sunday. Check them out. Moody, low-watt power pop.

More Sithy Comments

From Heath via the The New Yorker, who described the Star Wars saga as:

“a morality tale in which both sides are bent on moral cleansing, and where their differences can be assuaged only by a triumphant circus of violence.”

Find me a heroic epic in the history of the world that isn’t a violent morality tale. Besides, applying the same standards of intellectual criticism to Star Wars as one would any other motion picture is somewhat like deconstructing the Brothers Grimm or Santa Claus. Trix are for kids; there are things that should not be taken so seriously, and that goes for the fanboys as well as the critics. Ding that, get a f@cking life, Skippy.

And to the startlingly elitist, effete author of that review in The New Yorker, who referred to Lucas’ work as “an art of flawless and irredeemable vulgarity,” I simply say, “well, duh.” Of course Star Wars is common and uncultivated in its sentiments. It’s the 21st Century equivalent of going to the circus: one goes to see strange, new things and feats of amazing skill, not for subtlety or nuance. Few things are as vulgar as the circus (Cirque du Soleil the notable exception), but if you can’t enjoy the circus, then you’re just a little less of a human being for it. I also take much exception to the “unredeemable” part. Star Wars gives children a far better morality play than anything else I was exposed to as a child, and this new trilogy attempts to illustrate the roots of evil: attachment, pride, greed. It gives kids a break from simplistic Western notions of good and evil and delivers a healthy dose of Eastern thought into their malleable minds. I defy you to find a better epic morality play for young people.

Worst. Review. Ever.

Here with a special commentary on Salon’s review of Revenge of the Sith, please welcome Comic Book Guy!

Comic Book Guy Thank you, Colter. Today I want to explain how so very wrong the normally delightful Ms. Stephanie Zacharek at Salon is about the 3rd Chapter in the Star Wars trilogy. Her primary complaint seems to be that the film rails against an absolutist black/white worldview while presenting only the simplest of dualistic characters and arguments. If Ms. Zacharek would pay closer attention, she would see that what George Lucas is trying to do is show how evil becomes evil. Evil does not simply arrive and say “hello, I’m Evil, I will be your enemy today.” No, it starts somewhere: a little boy corrupted by his own inadequacies, mother issues, and slimy surrogate father. If she wants to complain about a sci-fi/fantasy film being too reliant on good vs. evil dualities, then she should look at the overly applauded Lord of the Rings films. Why is Sauron so evil? It doesn’t matter – he just is. Now THAT’s simplistic [1].

Another problem she has, and that many reviewers have, is her insistence that this film takes swipes at the Bush administration. This film has been in the works since the 1970’s – how prescient can George Lucas be? If there are similarities between Palpatine and Bush II, then they are simply coincidental. Keep your leftist interpretations to yourself, young missy. You, like Castro, probably saw Jaws as a pro-Marxist statement.

Ordinarily I quite like Ms. Zacharek’s works, but here I find her off base and out of touch with the true audience for this film: children and Jedis such as myself. She would do well to stick to reviewing arty pretentious girlie films like Amelie and The Hours.

1) Of course, true Tolkien fans know that Sauron was corrupted by Melkor and became his most trusted lieutenant in the Wars of Beleriand, but that’s beside the point.

Millions of Voices Crying Out in Anguish

Entertainment Weekly says that George Lucas initially considered handing over Episodes I and II to Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard, but both declined. D’ahhhhhhhh!!! Damn you, Spielberg! Damn you, Opie! Look what you have wrought! Only you had the power to prevent Jar Jar Binks and The Sand Speech. Only you could have prevented lame dialogue and wooden performances. The thoughts of what could have been…they will torment my waking hours and at night I will still hear the screaming.

Mein Kampf für Kinder

Chris and I were discussing Internet Explorer for Mac, which is an errant knave of a program. I told Chris that Microsoft writing a program for Mac users is like Hitler writing a book for Jewish children.

“The Wookie Has No Pants”

Best line from the Star Wars DVD documentary came from Carrie Fisher, who said that during the production of Episode IV, all sorts of corporate types were coming in with various concerns and troubles, one of which was, “should Chewbacca have a loin cloth or something?” So far I haven’t had a chance to fully dig into the box set yet, but it’s really an enlightening look at Lucas in the early days, and it shows me his perspective better. I now understand the reason for his constant edits. He didn’t want to make 3 movies or 6 movies, he wanted to make one. So all these edits he makes are just things he would have done if he hadn’t had the restraints of budget and time and studio politics that he had. Plus the documentary is full of screen test, alternate takes and on-set goofing off, which is great.

Last Sunday, I overheard three kids at Allsop Park racing each other. When they arrived at their destination, the boys chimed in thusly:

Boy 1: “Winner!”
Boy 2: “Second!”
Boy 3: “Wait, we tied for second!”

They raced again, and the results were somewhat similar:

Boy 1: “Winner!”
Boy 2: “Second!”
Boy 3: “Look a red leaf!”

Something tells me I’m going to raise a child most resembling Boy 3.

Ugly People Shoot, Score

There’s a somewhat recent adage that says, “politics is Hollywood for ugly people.”

This would help explain Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ascent to the governorship of California. Now that Hollywood has fully plugged into politics, it’s all over for the ugly folks. Ronald Reagan and Jesse Ventura didn’t count because they were B and C-listers respectively. Now, we have a bona fide box office blockbuster in office. And whatever the sad state of politics in general might be, it will only get worse when the popular kids get involved. If you thought politicians were self-serving bastards, you can begin to imagine what a wealthy actor might become when given the power to run the largest state in the union.

In other news, Stephen King has a column in the back of Entertainment Weekly now. It’s fun, and this week there’s a contest. There are 15 movie quotations and the first letter of each movie will spell out the name of a sports landmark. OK, I’ve got massive amounts of useless movie information inside me – should be a cinch, right?

Nope. I only got one quotation. The obvious one – “mother, the blood!” from Psycho. So that left me with this:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ P _ _ _

Okay…sports landmarks….well I can’t think of any beyond stadiums. And “stadium” isn’t going to fit in there. Some stadiums are called “Parks.” Yeah, “Park” fits. How about Candlestick Park in San Francisco?

C A N D L E S T I C K P A R K

That was easy. I bet Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn’t do that.

The Passion of the Yankovic

Weird Al Yankovic is a genius. He wrote a song in all palindromes. And it rhymes. It’s a tribute to Bob Dylan, sung in his vocal style. Fittingly, it’s called “Bob”:

I, man, am regal — a German am I
Never odd or even
If I had a hi-fi
Madam, I’m Adam
Too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon
Too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Rise to vote, sir
Do geese see God?
“Do nine men interpret?” “Nine men,” I nod
Rats live on no evil star
Won’t lovers revolt now?
Race fast, safe car
Pa’s a sap
Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam?

Ah Satan sees Natasha
No devil lived on
Lonely Tylenol Not a banna baton
No “x” in “Nixon”
O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
“Naomi”, I moan
“A Toyota’s a Toyota”
A dog, a panic in a pagoda

Oh, no! Don Ho!
Nurse, I spy gypsies — run!
Senile felines
Now I see bees I won
UFO tofu
We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hog

Avast Ye

Today is Talk Like a Pirate Day. So I’d like to take this opportunity to honor an unsung hero in the pirate community: Captain McAllister from the Simpsons:

Where's me Grog?

The Captain was responsible for such classic nautical bon mots as "You knew I was a cross-dressing pirate when you married me, now where’s me grog?" and "Aarr, I’m not attractive." I was afraid I might forget about Talk Like a Pirate Day, so I put it on my calendar:

Reminder